Even-Steven

Cali

We’re nearly halfway through 2013 and I’m feeling audacious, maybe like tossing caution to the wind….

Speaking of risky business, the moment we’ve all known was just on the horizon has arrived: NBA player Jason Collins has announced he’s gay, securing his place in history as the first openly gay male athlete in the majors of an American sport.

As for wind, according to some Baptists, he’s pissed off God real bad. Being a god of guilt, however, rather than striking down Collins, God apparently chose to rip a tornado through Oklahoma. He hopes Collins won’t shrug it off as coincidence, instead taking personal responsibility and feeling unbearably guilty for the destruction.

In the calm after the storm, a low, authoritative voice could be heard. One witness claimed it said, “Reeeedneeeckogniiiiiize!” Scared the living lices outta him.

SWIM, DUMMY! Remember US Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte? You know – the guy who admitted to peeing in the pool? Surely you’ve been wondering, What [Else] Would Ryan Lochte Do? God, being a punishing god, has created just the reality show to answer your question.

In a promo interview for his show, Lochte ‘bout killed the interviewers with his, um, charm. On the show, Lochte shares wisdom-infused gems, like, “If you’re a man at night, you gotta be a man in the morning.” Jeah!

GRAND DEPART: The 2013 Tour de France is less than a month away, beginning June 29 and celebrating its 100th year. Partay!

Tejay van GarderenThe 2013 Tour of California cycling race is a wrap, with Tejay van Garderen earning his first career win in a stage race and looking tip-top for the Tour de France.

Over the span of the racing week, California temperatures ranged from the 60s to 100+ during the day. If you’ve never watched cyclists suffer in a race, the stage to catch on the NBC Sports Network was when reflective heat from the road hovered around 120 degrees and the race finished on a steep uphill.

Cyclists literally wobbled (you can skip to the fourth minute) over the finish line, caught there by team staff who lifted them from their bikes and handed them ice to shove down the backs of their jerseys and yes, the fronts of their shorts. One cyclist collapsed before the finish. Another, Jonathan Cantwell, had to withdraw from the race the following day due to burns suffered when he crashed and landed on scalding asphalt, after which he stood in the middle of the road in only his shoes and broken helmet (spandex doesn’t hold up well to a stove) before changing into a new team kit.

WHAT COMES AROUND: This month, it’s Major League Baseball providing the latest doping scandal. A couple mega names, including Alex Rodriguez and Ryan Braun along with about 18 other players, are being investigated for “treatment” by a guy who’s not a doctor, with substances not so loosely related to anti-aging benefits.

More quietly, a high-profile Italian cyclist and former winner of the Giro d’Italia, Danilo Di Luca, tested positive for EPO just prior to this year’s Giro. Two quotes from this article sum it up best:

“Danilo has betrayed cycling once again," Giro race director Mauro Vegni said. "But I’m happy it wasn’t a young rider. Danilo belongs to a generation that has navigated through the doping system.”

and this from team director Luca Scinto:

“Di Luca is an idiot. I never wanted him," Scinto said. "Di Luca is sick. He needs to be helped.”

If you missed it, the Kentucky Derby was May 4. Multi-talented TV analyst and Seabiscuit star, Gary Stevens, came out of retirement as a jockey to ride Oxbow. While the 50-year-old didn’t fare so well in the Derby, he owned the Preakness start to finish, and placed 2nd in the Belmont Stakes.

The female jockey in the bunch was Rosie Napravnik on Mylute, coming in 5th in the Derby, 3rd in the Preakness, and 6th in the Belmont Stakes riding Unlimited Budget. Napravnik is the first female jockey to ride in all three Triple Crown races in the same season.

MZ. UNIVERSE: While we’re talking women, Christmas Abbott is training to be the first female NASCAR pit crew member (there are women in other leagues). It all began with an invitation from a Michael Waltrip Racing pit crew coach, former New Mexico Scorpions hockey defenseman and 2003-04 captain, Shaun Peet. A man of his word, Peet once told me his philosophy of life:

Life is either a daring adventure or it’s nothing, like Helen Keller said.

EYE CANDY: Alas, we’ve seen the last of Tim Tebow in the NFL. I guess that means I won’t be using TeBow – wait, TeVo – to catch his games. Geez, I can’t keep it straight (neither could Tim McGraw on Ellen). Is it TeVo? TeBow? T-bone? Been T-boned? (Ah – that’s how you’d refer to Tebow’s date, say, if he wasn’t saving himself and all.)

Wait, wait. What’s this?! We haven’t seen the last of him in the NFL? OMG – The Patriots have hired him! The Patriots hired Tebow! Along with Tom Brady, ladies (what the heck, a few guys, too) in New England are going to need seat belts on their stadium seats to keep from sliding right off, ogling the best-looking QB squad in Mark Lemelinthe NFL.

TIMBITS: Albuquerque native Mark Lemelin has wrapped up his first season as an official in the National Hockey League. To assist you in grasping the significance of his accomplishment, I’ll have you recollect the Jamaican Bobsleigh Team (which did experience eventual success). It’s the stuff movies are made of. A toast to Lemelin! (This guy says it’s okay.)

Well friends, in the name of self-preservation, I’m keeping it short. It’s been risky business. Let’s hope – no, let’s pray I survive.

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